Joseph Voelbel

Excerpt from a one-man play entitled, Standup Comet.

INT. STAGE

A lone meditation cushion sits vacant beneath a spotlight. Beside it rests an acoustic guitar in a stand. On the other side is a small lamp shade with ornate tassels.

The light clips out. We hear a banging hip hop beat and an emcee preparing to rap, with a lot of ’uh-huh uh-huh & yeahs’. DJ scratches music to a halt.

Amidst the dark Jaga takes stage center, and sits on the zafu. He lights a stick of sage, the audience smells it. He begins to play a Tibetan singing bowl and its large resonant sound wafts through the crowd. Then Jaga clicks the light on like he’s in his living room, grabs his guitar and peers outward, joyously.

Jaga is wearing bright red jeans, a pink shirt and a purple bow-tie with a bowler cap. He is fully transformed from his first appearance. Jaga plays one chord and then gets lost in thought.

JAGA Woah. I just had Deja Vu. Deja Vu’s way cooler than the first time. (pensively) When was that first time?

JAGA Sometimes when I meditate,I think. (waits for joke to hit) I’ve been doing stand up since I was two. So now I prefer to sit. My name’s Jaga. Jaga means awake. I realized that in a dream. But I don’t sleep anymore, cuz it gets stuck in your eyes. Then you can’t see so well...

Jaga lowers head and plays an interlude on the guitar.

JAGA It’s good to be here. And by here I don't mean on a marble tilted at 23.5 degrees spinning at 1,000 miles per hour hurtling through time and space at 67,000 miles per hour on an elliptic around a G-type star that’s been burning for 4.5 billion years, here. I just mean here.

Another interlude. Then back to finger picking.

JAGA This psychic walked up to me on the boardwalk and she said, "You know, you’re psychic." I said...

Jaga cocks an eyebrow.

JAGA Then why are you telling me?

Jaga feigns like he’s realizing his own joke.

JAGA Went for a hike the other day and I told my friend I don’t believe in gravity. He pushed me and I fell down. Then he said, Ha! Still don’t believe in gravity? I said, yeah but now I don’t believe in pushing either.

Another interlude. Then back to finger picking.

JAGA You know you buy too many crystals when you compare everything to the price of solid amethyst. How much are those jeans? (incredulous look) That’s like 20 ounces of amethyst.

Jaga smiles at something offstage, gets super focused like a compulsive shopper comparing prices at a department store. JAGA I'm working on humility. Gettin' pretty good at it. Been working on non-attachment too, it’s like ALL I can think about. Was contemplating impermanence. Didn’t last... I can't WAIT to start working on patience.

Another interlude. Heavier chords. Back to finger picking.

JAGA What is it with humanity and learning from trees? Tree of Knowledge, big one. Buddha parks it under a banyan tree and gains enlightenment. They asked Buddha WHAT he gained and he was like, "Nothing, but I lost ignorance, greed, desire, fear." That’s whats up. Not the ground beneath your feet like your stuck to the bottom upside down in Australia... mate.

Jaga lowers head and plays an interlude on the guitar.

JAGA It’s hard to get work as a comic. So I tried to get work as a hand model. I'm both handed.But they said my hands were too big and course; so now I work as a glove model. Not just anybody can do it. Jaga plays some heavier chords on the guitar then sings, "I wanna be a glove model" a few times, back to finger picking.

JAGA You know those doors that say push, but you can pull them too? Makes me think, be more honest door. A beat. Anytime you want the opposite of something to happen just say what someone says to you backwards. For example, "Hey, come over here!"

Jaga lowers his head and drops his voice.

JAGA Ereh revo emoc yeh. (makes weirded-out look) (Impersonates person watching Jaga) Never mind! Stay over there! A beat. Pots legal in two states. But they’re sooo far away. Plus I forget which ones. Jaga plays interlude...

JAGA Let me ask you a question, if heart chakras are like inner tubes and pineal glands are like flashlights, then why am I afraid to float down rivers at night? A beat. That joke kills at burning man.

Jaga raises his head and plays an interlude on the guitar.

JAGA We really shouldn't say jokes kill. Jokes don't kill. Jokes enliven. But it just doesn't have the same ring. "How'd he do?" "OH HE ENLIVENED." Smiles to himself. Do you think do to a miscommunication people in Hawaii are ever like, "Why are you leaving? You just GOT here!" Jaga plays some loud guitar chords and sings refrain, but this time the lyrics are, "Hello Goodbye. Goodbye Hello.

Turns this into an outro song.

JAGA Hello Goodbye Goodbye Hello / Hello Goodbye Goodye Hello / Hello Goodbye Goodbye Hello, Aloha. Aloha. I wanna be a glove model. I wanna beeeeee a glove model. I wanna beeee, a glove model... Aloha.

Jaga begins beatboxing, finishing the night with a wild freestyle that crescendos up to the stars and sweeps through the seats in a flash. THREE LOUD KNOCKS ring out. Jaga stops playing, looks up, concerned. NEIGHBOR: Shut up!

Jaga smiles at the audience and places his guitar down then clicks off the living room lamp. Curtains.

Joseph Voelbel performing standup at Hollywood Improv, 2014.

Joseph Voelbel is an AI Learning Experience Designer, Author, and Philosopher. Titles include Pay Attention to Bitcoin (2024) a punchy digital primer on sound money, and Nineteen Stories (2017), a literary collection exploring the unknown.